so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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