life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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