I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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