but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
