I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
