I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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