he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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