Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i dont even know how to be here
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
