I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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