When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Come see our sink grown plant.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
