The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
