I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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