OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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