dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
