Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
