soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
