We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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