her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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