Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
