If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
