just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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