I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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