i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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