I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
