If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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