I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
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Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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