So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
