At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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