dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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