On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
