I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
