and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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