my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
