So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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