Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
