the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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