Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
