and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
