And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize