So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
