my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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