you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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