then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
They have beer where we have blood.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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