Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
