No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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