I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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