You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
