someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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