I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
