Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
