sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
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Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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