so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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