so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
