How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
