I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i will never coherently bang her
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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