like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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