I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
