it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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