Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
