I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
