I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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