So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
