why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
