Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
