I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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