i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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