drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
